You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
