Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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