you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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