His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
