What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
