Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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