last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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