just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
