Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
