I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
