yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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