I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
