I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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