wat bout pragnant strippers??
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
