I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
