he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
