i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
