this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
