Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
