im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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