This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
