Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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