The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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