Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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