There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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