Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
