All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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