Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
