so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
third nipple confirmed
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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