fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
