I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
