I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
