Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Be still, my beating vagina.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
