Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
