I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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