Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
