U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
