And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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