Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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