The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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