She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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