I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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