dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
