im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
