I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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