the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
