10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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