I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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