And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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