Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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