i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
